Well, the 4-year-old turned 5 last week, and she’s really upping the ante here with her hilarious quips.  Here are a few from this week, re: me dating.

Me: I need to go on a date.

5YO: No, you don’t.

Me: Yes, I do.

5YO: Look, you’ve got a big house, my grandma did your laundry, what else could you have?

Fair enough.  But then this, today, seemed a bit out of line.

Me: I want to go on a date tonight.

5YO: You can’t.

Me: Why not?

5YO: You can’t.

Me: Why not?

5YO: You can’t. Because I’m with you and you have to take me to school tomorrow!

Me: So, what you’re saying is, your Dad can have a girlfriend but I can’t have a boyfriend?

5YO: YEP!

I look forward to us aging together alone.  I’m staunch about that.

From August 29…

4YO: I haven’t had a sno-cone in so long.  Like 50 years or something like that!  (pause)  Well, at least since I was 3.

Just found this one written on a piece of paper, tucked into my planner, from a few months ago…

Me: I know you.  I’m probably the most insightful person you’ll ever meet in your entire life.

4YO: I’m not meetin’ you.  You’re my MOTHER.

This was said by a four-year-old girl…with a pen stuck between her legs. At least she’s not setting herself up for future disappointment. Guess she won’t be a size queen.

4YO: Who do you trust, me or Mommy?

Grandma: I trust your mother.

4YO: Well, who do like better?  Me or Mommy?

Grandma: Oh, I couldn’t choose.  I love you equally.  I love you both with all my heart.

4YO: Well that means me!

4YO: (Looking at her pajamas) How come the princess from Princess and the Frog has dark skin?

Me: Because she does.

4YO: But why?

Me: Some people have dark skin, some people have light skin.

4YO: But I thought there weren’t any princesses with dark skin.

Me: Well, that’s why they made a princess with dark skin.

4YO: So that there would be one besides Pocahontas?

Me: Pocahontas isn’t a princess.

4YO: Well, she’s an Indian princess.

Me: No she’s not.

4YO: But she’s Disney.

Me: Yeah.

4YO: Almost every Disney has a princess.

Me: Yeah.

Pause.

4YO: I’m still upset about the fight last night.  I didn’t get any sleep.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that.

4YO: Promise me you won’t bother me anymore.  (Quickly realizing “the fight” was actually a result of her misbehaving, she changes her tactic.)  You know, you shouldn’t sleep on the couch.  You know how many days you’ve slept on the couch?

Me: (Holds up two fingers)

4YO: Yeah.  (Holds up two fingers)  And if you do it for one more day, you know how many that’s gonna be?

Me: (Holds up three fingers)

4YO: Yeah.  (Holds up three fingers)  Three.  And how much is 6 + 6?

Me: 12.

4YO: And how much is 12 + 12?

Me: 24.

4YO: And how much is plus 24 plus 24?

Me: 48.

4YO: And how much is plus 48 plus 48?

Me: 96.

4YO: And how much is plus 96 plus 96?

Me: (Shrivels up face)

4YO: What’s the matter?  Is the coffee too strong?

Me: No, I can’t think that hard.

Me: (swimming) Are you prepared to plug your nose and go under water?

4yo: No!  I’m not prepared!  I’LL NEVER BE PREPARED!

It’s true.  In life, sometimes you just have to dive-in unprepared.

tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Me: What about Holland?  (She’s going tomorrow.)

4yo: I already went there 3 or 4 times already, like last year.

4yo: When I grow up, I wanna be two things: a paleontologist or a painter.  Maybe I’ll be both.

Related >

4yo: I want to be a painter when I grow up.

Me: Really?  How are you going to make money?

4yo: Well, if people like my paintings, I’ll give them a hundred dollars!

4yo: One time I had a really scary dream.

Me: Oh yeah?

4yo: Yeah, it was so scary, I don’t even want to talk about it.

Me: Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?

4yo: Maybe in the morning.

Me: Okay.  Have a good dream tonight.

4yo: I’ll have the dream that I have!

***

Related >

Me: Oh my God, I can’t believe they put a computerized sign there.

4yo: Well, life does what it does.

Me: Yeah, you’re right about that.

4yo: And people do what they do.  People put that sign there.

Me: They sure did.